Are You Emotionally Intelligent?

 

Mpho Bosupeng

The following is a summary of the main arguments of my book titled: Are You Emotionally Intelligent? The book is currently available on Amazon and other major online book stores. Be sure to get yourself a copy if you are interested in developing your emotional intelligence further.

Being emotionally intelligent is something desirable. In my opinion, emotional intelligence is a choice. You can choose to be able to recognize your emotions and control them or not. You choose to be overly angry with someone when you can calm yourself. Most people do not think that emotional intelligence is something you can choose. I strongly believe for example you can choose to be gentle when you can be overly aggressive. Everyone sometimes goes through a rough day or year but that should not rob you of your emotional intelligence. You cannot go around taking out the heat on everyone. In that way you will loose a lot of friends and you will not build meaningful relationships. I have few tips I believe can help you in your endeavor to be emotionally intelligent.

Think Before You Speak. My first rule is: think before you speak. This rule is often neglected when someone is angry. It is easy to say anything you want when you don’t think about what you’re saying and the emotion wrapped in your words. The problem is words are not irreversible. Once you display your sadness or anger it is impossible to reverse and “erase” what you said. People often say “it’s not what you say but the way you say it”. The words you say are often wrapped with emotion so thinking carefully about your words can help you recognize your emotions and control negative ones. Of course this rule does not mean you should not be angry or you can’t be angry. The major difference between an emotionally intelligent being and the one who is not is that the other one is able to recognize and control their emotions. So if you think carefully about the right words to go with your emotion, you will probably make your points without running over somebody’s feelings. Quite a number of people are offenders of this rule.

Engage In Active Listening Not Just Hearing. My second suggestion urges you to engage in active listening when you confront situations. How often do you listen actively to someone before interrupting them? Do you listen or just hear what they are saying? I know introverts naturally think before they speak. They also tend to be good listeners. But that does not mean extroverts cannot do the same. When you do not listen carefully, you will not be able to project the right emotion. Imagine a counselor who never listens to what you are saying even though you are in need of their help. I know a story where my friend’s psychiatrist laughed during the middle off his excruciating childhood story. It is simple; if you are truly listening you will not laugh when you are expected to be sympathetic. You will not be angry when you are supposed to display a tender heart.

The problem is people sometimes believe that they know what you are going to say before you say it. I think it is rude and disrespectful. Why don’t you just listen to what the person is saying? Is it reasonable to say that I don’t have to listen to you because I already know what you are going to say? Truly it is unreasonable.

 The other problem is interrupting somebody when they are speaking. That is a bad habit in my opinion. Not only do you disrupt the flow of thoughts and emotions, you end up not getting the message. I know a story where a student told his teacher that a car was burning. Before the student could even finish, the teacher interrupted and told the student to sit down. However the fire intensified and required immediate attention. When the teacher got out he yelled “Oh!! my car! How could anyone not inform me before it burned to ashes?” The student was there and said “but I tried to inform you earlier”. The teacher ate humble pie. How could you be emotionally intelligent if you don’t want to listen to someone entirely? How will you project and control the right emotion? You need to be patient with other people.

Don’t Be Too Quick To Judge. For you to be emotionally intelligent you need not to be judging. Everything should not be plain black and white you. There is grey. People often judge quickly and become unnecessarily angry when it is not appropriate. I know a young boy whose mother was ill. The single mother lived with his son alone in the village. There were no cars nearby to take the woman to the hospital. Fortunately, one car passed after a long time and the boy waved his hands so that the man could stop and assist his mother.

However the driver did not see him and the boy resorted to throw a stone at the man’s window. Once the man heard the sharp sound he immediately stopped. The driver rushed angrily to the boy with threats. Softly, the boy unfolded his actions with reason. Amazingly, the car owner was no longer angry with the boy anymore. He was empathetic and he offered to take the woman to a hospital. The situation could have gone a terrible way. I believe for us to project the right emotion and exercise control we should not be too quick to point fingers because we can a make terrible mistake.

Reason Well. I have heard and seen many cases where someone was completely controlled by their emotions. There are several things that can make an individual sad, happy or angry, but projecting these emotions without reason is not ideal. Being overly angry with someone for example is not really appropriate if there is no justification. I am not saying people should bottle their emotions and stifle themselves. Even the bible recognizes that we can be angry but that should not drive us into sin.

For you to reason well, you have to think outside your bounds. You need to justify your actions because your actions are closely related with your emotions. It is better to do something with full justification than do it with no apparent reason. Apart from that, it is important that you observe other people’s voice inflection and body language when talking to them. It will help you in projecting the right emotion.

Take care of your emotional well-being.